Friday, 30 September 2011

Sudan: The Sudanese Pound, reading glasses and other soon to be useless things

Before we start, here are the latest figures regarding the Sudanese Pound: $1 = SDG 4.7, with a very high possibility of becoming $1 = SDG 400 and then some, by the time you read this. The Sudanese Pound is in trouble, its value is declining like the number of Somalians who understand the concept of water.

Last Sunday it was $1 to SDG 4.3. So if you would like to take out your calculator - you know, the one you bought last week - and do the math, you'd realise that for one week this is quite a significant devaluation.

So, let's be idiots for a minute and blame this devaluation on the secession of the South. Let's blame it on the war in Darfur. And, let's blame it on the boogie. Because according to so called analysts, these are the main reasons behind this catastrophe, the boogie being the biggest of course.

Yes, the Southerners took away 70% of the oil income with them - which is clearly their right - but blaming the devaluation of the Sudanese Pound on the secession is preposterous. The Sudanese government, which so blatantly knew the South was going to secede, should have had a contingency plan. And no, banning certain imports is not a contingency plan, it's not even a plan, it's an arbitrary ban on random things of which no one knew the consequences.

Even if the government didn't know the South was going to secede, it should have planned for the worst case scenario. Human beings usually plan for worst case scenarios. Human beings. Humans. Homosexuals, I mean Homo sapiens. But did they? No! You know why? Well, clearly they're not human. They're just a random aggregation of bones, flesh and beards.

I'm sorry but I will not accept these juvenile interpretations coming from our own economists blaming the government's failures on South Sudan. I mean, yes, occasionally, if money does go missing more often than not a black person is behind it, but that doesn't apply here. I tried to apply it, it didn't work. So, no, economists, the secession is not to blame.

Soon enough, the Sudanese Pound will be worth nothing. You'd have to trade in your limbs for some vegetables, and since meat would only be affordable to those willing to trade in their children, there will be a sudden increase in vegetarian amputees. On the plus side however, people will be having more children, which would make the population competition we're having with Egypt more interesting.

The government has also decided to randomly close down newspapers. Maybe because reading newspapers is forbidden in Islam. I don't know. But whatever the reason, the government seems very adamant on suppressing free speech, or even just speech. Security officials seem to just show up at newspaper offices, and ask everyone to put their pens down; they're like exam invigilators with guns.

Thus far, seven newspaper have been shut down. You can only assume they're doing something unbeardly, I mean un-Islamic. They might all be brothels disguised as newspapers, or worse, places where people write what they think.

But the government's arbitrary war on terrorist speech seems somewhat systematic. Yes, confusing. Soon enough there will be no newspapers to read, or use as a dinner tablecloth substitute. Reading glasses will be more useful as ornaments in your living room. The radio will become a powerful tool which the government will use to foist political views into news stories. Eventually we will all have small mustaches and feel a sudden hatred towards Jews and Blacks.

Also, every Sudanese household will have to find a way to make better use of their dinner table and cutlery, because they too will become redundant. There will be only one channel on TV, constantly broadcasting a new monotonous national anthem praising safari suits, beards and Hyundai Sonatas. So TV's will be more useful as door stoppers. Cars will become horse-drawn carriages and sole-less shoes will be in vogue. We will find ourselves trapped in medieval times where women get flogged in public for no apparent reason. Oh wait!

So there you have it, this is me being sagacious. If you're planning for a future in Sudan, make sure you're accomplished with a sword. And just in case you have a lot of cash stacked away for a rainy day, start smoking marijuana, because rolling paper is all the Sudanese Pound will soon be good for.

7 comments:

Omer said...

This is some hilarious stuff!!! I quote: "Security officials seem to just show up at newspaper offices, and ask everyone to put their pens down; they're like exam invigilators with guns." I was dying when I read that! The devaluation of the pound is no mystery. It can be explained if you look at some import/export data or something else in an undergrad econ textbook. The south seceding may actually have played a role. In any case, this is probably the funniest stuff I've laid eyes on all week. ENCORE!

Moez Ali said...

Yes of course the South seceding did play a role. It's the root of the problem. But the problem wasn't dealt with and hence why the pound's value is so ridiculously volatile. No policies were implemented before the secession to ensure the pound doesn't lose its value. So the blame goes to where something could have been done but wasn't. Also, the lack of foreign currency reserves and the post secession import bans played a big role. These guys don't know what they're doing, and the analysts are also incompetent. Thank you anyways :)

-samah said...

lol and it gets even funnier (literally). The CBS (sounds great doesn't - for a non-functioning central bank) has said that the fluctuations in the exchange rate are "temporary" and that they are in total control, that all it is, is a small matter to do with the large number of Southern Sudanese converting their last pay cheques from SDG to dollars before going home.
LOL Did we all miss the bit where the average Southern Sudanese went from earning a pittance to becoming a Forex shifting and lifting machine Roman Abramovic?

Moez Ali said...

That's a fair point. Southerners cashing their salaries in dollars should have no effect whatsoever. Well played.

MJ said...

Nice one Moez. Reading your blog posts might just save you from me kicking your ass for not replying to my messages. Anyways, when are you guys in Sudan (whats left of it)gonna start a revolution? I actually thought that after Egypt, Sudan will be next on the list, given the prospect this country had and where it is now.

SyedMuddassar said...

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